Sometimes I wonder if I myself, have been hateful, despicable and obnoxious around my own friends and family. I at times do realize how harmful my actions are and try my best to reconcile with the person i had offended, but at other times, i do not and therefore leave a very austere and hostile impression of myself on my friends. I used to greet others with pure silence and ignorance, but I am much more open hearted and hospitable towards others. I always treat other people with genuine respect, and I never attempt to offend them in any sort of manner. In an argument or dispute, I am usually willing to hear out their cases first and try to understand their points of view before getting to my point of view. A few years back, I did have quite some trouble lingering on my mind. People would harass me, taunt me and mock me. Some people did it to harm me in an intentional manner while others did it as a joke ( and i understood it to be a joke). Then, there were some peope who were absolute bastards. They would piss me off physically and psychologically, tell me that they are joking, then do it over and over again. I then tell them " a joke is usually fresh only a few times after it's said... and it's not supposed to be serious." They respond by tellin me to chill when they're the ones who should have watched their mouths and attitudes. At times, I'm not understanding either. I tend to blame my friends, family and peope around me for the mistakes I, myself had made, and always looked for someone to criticize.
The feeling of guilt and anger sometimes came from myself and I failed to realize it at times. Although I don't have those feelings anymore, there will always be people and situations which remind me of the hard and difficult times I had to go through. I was always physically judged by others, and judged them back. People always ridiculed me based on how i looked and i did the same to others. I was physically intimidated all the time and was given the " silent treatment" back then, and i myself have to admit that i did the same to others as well. But there was just one person who hassled me for no reason at all. This dude was so highly strung and so tense, it just didn't make sense to me. I did not provoke this guy in any way, and I tried my best to either ignore this dude, or ask him what his problem was. He constantly threatened me, and tried to get the best of me everytime he came around. I was afraid to ask him what his problem was, because I would've pissed him off to the point where he would've tried to kill me ( and believe me, he's done this before). I guess some people like him may never change, and we really can't do anything about it unless they themselves make the effort to change. God isn't my enemy, my friends aren't my enemy, and neither are my parents or former classmates. I am my own enemy: I have the will power to either make things better or worse.....
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